Guidance

What domestic abuse is video transcript

Updated 30 July 2021

This program features audio interviews with service family members and visualization by actors

“Just listen to me, don’t do that again”

What is domestic abuse?

“I kind of didn’t realize it was abuse at first. It started off with some minor things like controlling what I would wear and who I would talk to and friends that I couldn’t see and little things that I kind of brushed it aside because it’s a new relationship and, you know, you think that you’re in love and you kind of just go along with it”. “My husband was very controlling he won’t give me any money at all, he would do the shopping himself and also he won’t allow me to have any friends. You feel like there’s nothing better you can do and you are what he says that you are somehow you keep on believing what he’s saying and you feel like you’re just nothing, just somebody so useless”. “He was threatening me, told me he’d kill me, told me that, you know, put a bullet in my head”. “If you met him you think the nicest man in the world because he’s always like this likeable type of guy around people”.

Throughout the UK nearly 1 million women experience at least one incident of domestic abuse each year and at least 750,000 children witness it. We don’t want to believe that such behaviour is present within our service family but domestic abuse does happen in service families, just as it does in civvy Street. In the services we do not tolerate any form of domestic abuse, and support victims whatever their gender or age, who are part of our service family.

“Domestic abuse can be physical, emotional, financial, various levels of abuse really, and is often within the family or within an intimate relationship”

“Domestic abuse has a pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour that can happen to both men and women”

“It can start off very subtly so often people don’t actually realize that there is abuse happening until it becomes much, much worse. It can include forced marriage, ‘honour’ based crimes and other forms of abusive behaviour that are not inherently violent. Domestic abuse in the services is never a private matter, it’s everyone’s responsibility, including the chain of command, to recognize when someone is being abused and to take action.

“I’d already had a failed marriage behind me and I didn’t want to fail again so I was determined that this was going to work and I was going to put up with this, and I could deal with this. I lived with that fear and I suffered so much in silence I felt sometimes I was going to die.” “When I didn’t do as he asked, he would get very abusive, just accuse me of sleeping around. I wasn’t allowed any friends on camp, I wasn’t allowed to go to England, I just felt very isolated” “It weakened me immensely. I became of a shadow of myself. I thought that it was just me at the time, there was nobody else going through it.”

The process of domestic abuse is very subtle and very systematic. The victim does not realize that that abuse is actually on-going. Perpetrators often feel very sorry after an incident which makes it very difficult then for a victim to leave.

Victims often feel that the abuse is due to their behaviour and to stop it they need to behave correctly. Abusers often put them in a position where they feel they need to conform.

Sometimes this is the power and control that’s being exerted by the perpetrator to make the victim feel that it’s their fault. The fault clearly lies with the perpetrator and only they can change it.

“Out of anger he threw his fork and it hit me in the face and gave me a scar but he was so apologetic and said that it just flew out of his hand. He was just too overpowering and it was just like he was always right. His idea of compromising was doing his way and I just was submissive. I just wanted a peaceful life really. I really, really try to please him. I went beyond what I should do just to make things right and see if he could change but he never did”